In Western culture there is a deep rooted, historical correlation between the perception of female goodness and being thin*. A modern expression of this is our pervasive Fat Phobia. Stacey Toth of Paleo Parents writes in a blog post Dear America, Get Over Your Fat Phobia of her own experiences. "I was once obese. And I am the same woman then as I am today. I’m smaller. Smarter, perhaps. But there’s no reason I should be treated differently today than I was 3 years ago – and sadly, I am." She writes about how fit and strong she is while still being "overweight", and the negative reactions to her appearance she endures. 

Am I training to get skinny, or because I'm scared of fat? Hell no. I've wasted enough of my life hopelessly, hungrily, trying to beat my evolutionary conditioning. At 34, I'm proud to say that I'm too old for that shit. From my own and other people's experience, I'm certain that trying to be skinny only leads to misery. It's not a worthwhile pursuit. 

In powerlifting, bigger supports stronger. I'm a few kilos under the weight limit for my class and easily keep my weight stable. I don't eat much sugar or junk food not because I fear getting fat, but because it makes me feel sluggish when I want to go fast. Burning calories is rarely on my mind when I'm training. Getting stronger and faster is. 

Ugh, the drama... I like excitement. Not drama, and I had drama getting to the Powerlifting Nationals. I qualified just fine, but in the weeks leading up to the event I was plagued by minor injury, illness and then burning out by overtraining. Read about that here. 

After taking doctor's orders about resting, I was feeling fine by go-time. Except then it started to snow, and rain, and then freeze in the alpine playground where I live. We can certainly handle each of those, but all three at once caused Queenstown airport to shut down. 

My ticket to fly out was for Wednesday, the day before I was due to lift. I decided I would do what it takes to get up to Auckland the day before, as planned, rather than risk running late and being stressed out and wound up on the day I competed. I re-arranged my flight to go out of Invercargill and drove the family car through snow, sleet and ice to get there. By the end of the day, instead of a direct flight from Queenstown to Auckland, I drove, flew and waited in airports for nine hours. Ugh. Could have been worse. I'm grateful to get to Auckland, and in time too. 

Weigh in was at 12 noon. I am comfortably under the weight class limit so could have breakfast, but didn't eat or drink a lot as a lower bodyweight makes for a higher Wilks score. I watched the lighter classes of women lift in the morning, including the Southland Amateur Weightlifting Club's Sylvia Clarkson who beat her own squat national record in the Master's 3 under 63kg class. Go Sylvia! 

In a powerlifting competition, with the three attempts at each lift, you need to make a quick decision about what weight to attempt for your next lift. At this competition, lifters needed to have their next lift in to the official's table on the right slip of paper within one minute after their lift. It's good to have someone to 'run your numbers' so you can recover from the last lift and prepare for the next one. 

I was planning to look after myself while lifting, as usual, but Sylvia's husband Phil kindly offered to run my numbers for me. He has supported Sylvia for years of her lifting and has even qualified to be a referee. He doesn't lift himself but knows the game.  

It's a good idea to make your first lift safe, something you know you can lift on a bad day. A few days before Nationals I had made a comfortable 110kg squat, so I chose 105kg for my opener and made it easily. It felt ok when I squatted my second attempt, my current PR at 112.5kg, but got three red lights for not going deep enough. I still felt brave so told Phil I'd go for 115kg for my third. 

There was a thrill of fear as I stood up under the 115kg bar. It was only 2.5kg more than I had held on my shoulders before, but that 2.5kgs pressed some of the brave out of me. I breathed out the fear, sucked in resolve, braced, lowered, heaved up a few inches and stalled. Couldn't get further. So my best squat stayed at 105kg, significantly less than I know I can lift. 

When I first learned to CrossFit, I was taught to dump the weight correctly before I was allowed to start squatting heavy. In my powerlifting training which is mostly by myself, with rubber bumper plates, I often dump the bar no problem. Many other lifters always train with buddies and have spotters when they go heavy so are not in the habit of dumping the bar. The spotters got a fright when I followed my instincts and dumped it. Phil explained to me that that's not the done thing in a competition - something else to learn! 

My flight was with all the other under 72kg lifters, including the all the Junior and Masters, to make 12 of us. The under 84kgs and 84kg+ were lifting that afternoon too, making for a long session. We started the deadlifts at around 5pm. The warm-up area was crowded and pulsing with tension. Chalk and talcum powder coated everything. Handlers jiggled around almost as wired as the lifters. Plates clanged as the heavier classes warmed up their deadlifts and bass beats thudded from out the front and buzzed from lifters earphones. 

I have a training deadlift PR of 155kg, but a week before this I had failed a deadlift at 150kg. I warmed up to 140kg, and made 142.5kg well for my first lift, then 150kg ok for my second. Phil did some maths and figured out that whether I succeed or failed in lifting 155kg as I planned for my third, I would stay in the same placing, but if I tried for 160kg I would go up a spot. So I went for the 160kg, not thinking that I could do it. But with nothing to lose, I got out there, yelled at the bar a couple of times so it was good and scared, and picked the thing up. I was red lighted for moving my foot during the lift, but I am delighted to get that up. As a friend pointed out, in CrossFit that would still be a good lift. 160kg! Stoked. 

Ashleigh Templeton, a rising star of NZ Powerlifting, is in my age and weight class. She lifted at the Record breakers event at the Fitness Expo on Sunday. When her lifts were accounted for I came out in fifth place. I had hoped for better, but played a risky game with my numbers which did not pay off. It was exciting, I learned things, I met cool people and I deadlifted 160kg! A good day.  

Powerlifters are privileged to reach the depths of the human psyche. During an extreme lift, our body is working so intensely that our senses shut off. Many lifters don't see, hear or think when rising out of a lift. We rely on the instinct and muscle memory that we have trained with thousands of repetitions to do it right. 

Who else gets to explore the limits of their capabilities as a human?  Where else would you push your body and mind to those extremes? This is not something you feel when they unscrew a jar lid with all your strength. This is an extreme whole body experience that is trained and pushed and gone deeper into over years of competitive lifting. It leaves your body depleted and your mind reeling. Competitive powerlifting brings the sublime into the human experience. 

In New Zealand Powerlifting is not a professional sport. Some athletes have small sponsorships, and many work in the fitness industry, but most of us have normal lives and jobs. At The New Zealand Raw Powerlifting Nationals there was a live feed, a three-person jury, referees, a photographer,  loaders/spotters, commentators, people on the desk, scorekeepers and event organisers. I think you're all good people and  am grateful to you all for pulling this off so me and many like me could see what we could do. 

I took a fortnight off after the Bad As, with just a couple of quiet training sessions a week. Although I had entered the South Island Powerlifting Champs and had my trip to Christchurch all planned the weekend after going to Wellington, I decided not to go. I  had already qualified for Nationals and still sick as a dodo from the flu. With a jewellery to make for an imminent deadline as well, making the trip to Christchurch was not the wise thing to do. 

In order to make my life happen the way I want it to, I've learnt to prioritise my time to the things that get me closer to my goals. Getting over influenza, and then making a jewellery deadline are things that get me closer to my goals more than blogging. Now (finally) I'm healthy! Yay for that! And then I got a bunch of interesting, new jewellery away to Quoil Gallery on time! Double yay! 

That means it's time to write up about MaD CrossFit's Bad As 6 Women's Weightlifting Competition.  Super pleased about that. I like writing, and I've told a bunch of you that I would be writing about the comp and feeling bad that I haven't yet. Although, as explained above, blogging  just didn't make it high enough on the priority list. So not feeling real bad because I am not SuperMum. 

Before entries opened I had talked my long-suffering friend Mel into coming too. If you've been reading a bit here you've already know Mel as my buddy who comes along to stuff to be a friend, gets sucked into competing herself and is turning out to be a pretty good powerlifter. (Hehe I knew she would be, that's been the plan all along!) Mel organised the flights and I organised the accommodation. Another friend, and ex-Remarkables CrossFit buddy Veronica (called 'V') was driving down from her new home in Taupo to join us too. I had been crook for a week with what I thought was just a bad cold but was feeling better, and there was no way I was missing this trip for the sake of a dumb cold. 

I went through Airbnb to get accommodation. We booked a gorgeous little house right on the Beachfront at Petone, not far from the competition venue. Vanessa, our host, was welcoming and kind, the house was beautifully kept with comfy beds. The Airbnb system worked really well. It cost about as much as a cheap motel and was way nicer. Will definitely be using them again. 

We flew up from Queenstown on the Friday morning and V picked us up from the airport. We fluffed around downtown Wellington being touristy for the afternoon.  I dragged my friends along to Kura and Quoil Galleries to look at art. That evening we met my mates Andrea (a good friend I made at Art School, check out her work here) and Nick and their wee daughter at the Wellington Night Market on Cuba St. This was way cool - stall after stall of street food and crafts with live music among a crowd of happy people. I had a Portuguese pork and taro leaf dish which was rich, oily and delicious.  

I woke up the Saturday of the competition feeling headachy and ill. Took Panadol, made a breakfast smoothie for after weigh-in and went to Mad CrossFit. We were some of the first ones there. We weighed in, chatted to the other women and started warming up. The first event was the squat, followed by benchpress, then ground-to-overhead, with the strongman running two competitors at a time throughout the day. 

Like a powerlifting competition, the weights for the lifts were loaded in 2.5kg increments. Competitors got three attempts to lift the increasing weights. There were two squat cages up the front of the room, with one spotter and one judge for each cage. Unlike a powerlifting competition, the weights on the bar only went up once, not three times through so a lifter's three attempts could be quite close together. Because I had one of the heavier starting weights I was one of the last lifters to make my first attempt. I had started warming up my squat way too early and was sitting around waiting, needing to keep lifting occasionally to stay warm but not wanting to tire, and feeling crook. The thrill of competing can overcome a whole lot of other feelings though, so I got psyched up and did three good lifts, maxing out at my previous best of 112.5kg.  

Benchpress was next which followed the same structure as the squat. Bench is not my best lift but because I had been extra gentle with my shoulders leading up to this they were feeling good. 62.5 and 65kg went up smoothly so I upped my last lift to 70kg and failed. There was no shoulder pain afterwards though, so I'm counting that as a win. 

It was good to see Phil and his wife Rebecca, old friends from CrossFit Wild South. They popped in to come see me and we went to get coffee. Phil and I used to train together in Invercargill until late 2013 when he and his family moved to Wellington and I and mine moved  to Arrowtown.  Phil currently trains with the crew at MaD.

I got called up for the strongman event next. I had eaten as much good food as I could stomach, took some more Panadol and tried out the movements. There were four stations with different activities at each. The idea was to choose your own weights, then try to move that weight as fast or as far as possible with one minute at each station, no breaks between stations. The weight times your number of movements, or reps, was your score. It had been drizzling on and off so most of the equipment was a bit wet, to add to the challenge.

The first station was the stones or slam ball ground-to-shoulder. There was a selection of rubber slam balls and concrete stones there for us to use. I had tried the 40kg concrete stone but wasn't able to get a good hold on it so went with the 30kg rubber slam ball. I started by dropping the ball, reaching down to pick it up and lifting it to my shoulder, but soon after starting I figured out a quicker way - I kept the ball hugged close to my chest, squatted/bent right down to the ground so it touched still holding it close, then it was easy enough to hoik it up to my shoulder. I got through that minute without slowing down and ran to the frame.

I had never carried a frame before that day. I had read about how to though - keep your feet wide and take short steps ahead, like your feet are on train tracks. I carried the frame up and down MaD CrossFit's car park, two reps for each length, with 60kg extra weight on the frame. 

I had two 28kg kettlebells ready for me at the farmer's carry where I walked, then ran, the distance between road cones back and forth for the minute. Normally the farmer's carry will burn your grip out big time, but thanks to my leather Humax gloves, purchased recently from FitShop, my grip on the wet kettlebells was secure enough, it was my legs that were burning! People I didn't know were cheering me on, because these sorts of events always have the best supporters :)

I was feeling pretty confident about how I'd done thus far when it came to the last strongman station. It was the tyre pull - a small tractor tyre that had two thick ropes attached. I had weighted it up with a 15kg plate beforehand. Competitors stood behind a chalk line and pulled the tyre until it got over the line, then ran to the other side and pulled it back. I took my place at the chalk line and grabbed the rope, thought strong thoughts, pulled - and nothing happened. Regrouped, pulled again and made the tyre twitch. My arms just weren't working. Spectators picked up their cheering. It's always good to have people urging you on, but this is where it gets really useful. I heard and absorbed the encouragement, got my best grip, threw my whole body into it and managed to heave the tyre the two meters to the line. It took me the first half of my minute to get that one rep. I lugged out a few more reps before the minute ended, and with it my go at the strongman event. 

I was feeling ragged after the Strongman. The sick had been getting worse all day, and combined with the four minutes all-out effort shifting heaving things for reps, by this time  my body ached and felt weak all over, my head was swimming and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my bed at home and forget about lifting anything, talking to anyone and even being in my favourite city. 

But the ground-to-overhead was well underway and it was time for me to warm up. This event is called the ground-to-overhead, and not the clean and jerk because olympic lifting competition rules did not strictly apply. Everybody lifted in a clean and jerk style, but in this competition elbow and shoulder press outs were allowed. 

I was careful in my timing for this event to not do any work more than necessary to warm up. Usually I would have done a squat clean, but during warm up a 50kg squat clean left my head reeling,  so I chose to wear my lifting belt and go with a power clean and jerk. 

As for the bench and squat events, the ground-to-overhead had two platforms with two groups of lifters going up one at a time as the weights increased. With a starting weight of 72.5kg, I was again one of the last up. I did the ugliest power clean ever seen,  (except for my attempts two and three, they were even worse) but got the weight up overhead for my first lift, and again at 75kg for the second. For my third attempt, at 77.5kg, I cleaned it but failed on the jerk. 

Performing a complex movement under heavy weight, three times, after a day of intense lifting, in front of a hundred or so people when I was feeling as sick as a dingbat called for every head game trick I have. Before going out on the platform, I visualised lifting the weight in perfect form. I went over all the movements, in my body during the warm up and in my mind before the lift. I paced, breathing consciously, eliminating  doubts and filling up with strength. When my name was called, I took my time. I am the centre of this universe and will not be rushed. Most of the competitors were done for the day, so they were happy and relaxed but eager to see the last few heavy lifts. I sucked up their energy and took it as mine. Mel helped me do my belt up tight. I waited until the lifter on the other platform had finished and chalked up my hands, exactly the same way as always do. I stared down my bar and approached it, placing my feet in the places they know from thousands of repetitions. I gripped the bar, checked that all my limbs were in the right place and mentally went through the movements of the lift again. Two puffs out, eyes front, big breath in, core tight and lift. 

This will be an experience I call on in future. If I can wield more than my bodyweight overhead, repeatedly, while feeling that unwell, after that day's work, I can do bloody well anything. 

The relief of having the lifting done with made me feel so much better. I ate more food and settled down to see who had won what in the prize giving. We all knew who had lifted the heaviest, but the rankings were determined in relation to the competitors' bodyweights, which we didn't know. Anticipation was high. 

As it turned out, I was the only one to shift over three tonne in the Strongwoman. Funnily enough. Mel had moved the most until I did mine - us two, the only South Islanders and both from Remarkables CrossFit, moved the most and second-most weight in the Strongwoman. We must be fit cookies! 

Darelle from CrossFit Waitakere had the heaviest squat there at an impressive 132.5kg. Vanessa of CrossFit Central Wellington and Leone of MaD CrossFit equalled each other on the bench press at 80kg, and Jazmin of CrossFit Whangaui did her dramatic ground-to-overhead at an amazing 85kg. 

The actual placegetters were calculated by adding each competitors  three lifts, then the weight shifted in the strongwoman divided by the athlete's bodyweight, and dividing that total by bodyweight. 

Congratulations to Jazmin, for first place, Laura (Panda) of CrossFit Auckland for second place, and Colleen of MaD for third. Again Faster Equipment had donated a sweet barbell and 24 and 16kg kettlebells for the prize-winners.  I came in forth! I was a smidge disappointed to miss out on a podium spot, especially as the prizes were so good, but hey, I'm pleased to do that well considering my condition.  

A few of us went to the Sprig and Fern on Jackson St for food and socialising.  There I got to know some of the amazing people I'd been lifting with. Soon enough V drove us back to our accommodation, where I got more food and crawled into bed while Mel and V went out on the town. 

I slept for 14 hours straight. Did not feel good when I woke up but was not going to waste my time in Wellington because of some stupid cold. Mel and I walked to The Dowse and met my cousin Prue there for a hot lemon and ginger tonic drink and a wander around the art. The next day we went to CrossFit FRF on the way to the airport, and home. Will write about that later as this blog post if too freaking long already! 

Interestingly, I went to the doctor after getting home. She said I had proper influenza rather than just a bad cold, and probably made it worse by competing while sick. I'm still coughing now, four weeks after the event. I have learnt my lesson. 

Maddi Brosnan of FitMiss

Maddie is a blogger and gave me some useful tips (such as be consistent - Anna FAIL!) and how to use hashtags. Check her out on Instagram for cool photos, fitness inspiration and training tips. Maddie is a stunner, but unlike a fitness industry 'face', her emphasis is on what her body can do. She also has  spray tanning business and generously donated prizes to the Bad As comp. 

Paule Paulin, Olympic Lifter and Powerlifter

Paule is currently 6th by Sinclair Formula across all the Olympic lifting Master's females in New Zealand, and won her category at last years Powerlifting Nationals. I'll be seeing her again soon at this year's Nationals - it will be close match between her and Tui Katene of Northland to see who will take the title this year! 

Lea Attenborugh, Powerlifter I Wanted to Meet

Lea is is my class at Powerlifting, the under 72kg Open females. She went to the Oceania Champs with the New Zealand team last year and can squat a whole lot more than me. I had been stalking her online for some time, as you do, sussing out the competition, so it was cool to meet her. She's a mother too, about my age, a coach at MaD CrossFit, and a lovely person. 

Leone Nuku, Memorable Person 

When I first saw her I thought her too-bright-to-be-believed hair, wrapped a black fluffy hairband, was some kind of dress-up for the event. But it turned out it was real hair, growing out of her head, and this is how she has worn it for years. Leone has a new business, doing "all things creative" (as she said) called Flight of Fancy. She makes beautiful food, runs events, sews and has an 80kg bench press. This is a fantastic photo of her celebrating that. 

MaD (Matt and Donna) CrossFit was one of the earlier CrossFit boxes in New Zealand, established in 2008. This is the sixth Bad As competition run by them. Although MaD CrossFit is a business this kind of comp is done for love, not profit. I very much doubt that money would have been made. This event is a service to the community of people who love to lift, and specifically, for women. On top of that, money was donated to charities of the winner's choice form MaD CrossFit. 
In spite of the undoubted stress and hassle of running this big event, with a big team of volunteers and inclement weather, and people constantly asking them questions, both Matt and Donna always looked happy! They must love what they do. Thanks you guys, you and your volunteers are good people who do good things. 

Seriously, if you're going to run a decent-sized not-for-profit event, especially if there's going to be prizes, you need sponsors. These guys showed up with the goods to support the event and were an integral part of it. Remember that and give them some love so they will do it again for this and other competitions! 

Stephen Fox is a MaD CrossFit member and volunteer photographer for this event. He has a big camera that would have cost him plenty of moolah, and marketable skills, but choose to spend all day working and then getting all the photos up online. That's nice guy stuff. The photos are all available for free download here on Flickr. Thanks Stephen, you've made this blog look much better than it would have otherwise! 

All the way from Auckland to Arrowtown (yeah that's us!) and in between the competitors came. Either to have a shot at the podium, to see what they could do under pressure, in support of their mates and their team, they showed up to compete against other and themselves. 
These women and their supporters are the best. On meeting, we all knew we had the love of lifting in common. We ranged from experienced athletes who had competed internationally to almost-beginners, from masters to teenagers, but we all encouraged and helped each other. There was genuine joy in the crowd to see each lifter beat their previous best and do what they had never done before. That was the essence of this competition, and in my experience so far, all competitions with strong people in them. 
Check out the lift of the day by Jazmin, and the spirit in which it was done in this cool video here.